PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY
Over the past few weeks I’ve been discussing five different reasons why people provide criticism and how to respond to them:
- Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL)
- Playful teasing (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING HER RESPONSE)
- The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT)
- Jealousy (see BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY)
- The criticizer is in a bad mood (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM WHEN IT IS BEING PROVIDED BECAUSE THE CRITICIZER IS IN A BAD MOOD)
We also discussed how to deal with the anger we may begin to experience when we are being criticized (see BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 1 , BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF, PART 2, and ANGER, RUMINATIONS AND MEDITATION).
We now begin to look at the other side of the criticism coin. Just like there are immature and mature ways to respond to criticism, there are immature and mature ways to provide criticism. Our focus today is on different maturity levels of providing negative criticism when our desire is to encourage someone to make some improvement.
PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY
Below you will find preliminary descriptions of how people at five developmental levels of maturity provide criticism, that is, criticism that points out what we don’t like about someone’s actions, beliefs, or appearance. Level one is the most immature and uses observations of babies as its starting point. Each successive level is more mature:
- This level requires displaying one or more of the following:
- Cries without stating what the crying is about
- Physically attacks the person being criticized
- Damages property
Although these three descriptors may not sound like providing criticism, in some situations we can see that it is the very beginning of the development of this skill. Let’s say Jill takes baby Bob’s crayon away believing he is done with it. Bob begins to cry and takes a swipe at Jill. She manages, by moving away, to avoid Bob’s swipe. Bob now looks even angrier and crumbles up a piece of paper and flings it on the floor. An observer to this may conclude that Bob, in a sense, is criticizing Jill for taking the crayon.
2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:
- The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm. (For example, someone might be making too much noise and the criticizer might turn to the noise maker and glare, or cry out, “Jerk!”)
- Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.
3. The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.
4. The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning, glares, insults, threats, or shouts.
5. When the criticizer provides criticism, he or she does so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, the criticizer considers the person who is the target of the criticism, and the situation that he or she is in. As a result of such considerations, the criticizer may decide to alter the criticism.
- Person variables that are considered: From observing how the person to be criticized handled criticism in the past, he or she determines which of the five levels of responding to criticism is most characteristic of the individual. (For example, if someone tends to physically attack the criticizer when criticized and is big enough to cause real bodily harm, then a decision is made either to not provide the criticism or to provide it only when there is sufficient security, or else someone else is employed to provide the criticism who is capable of dealing safely with the attack prone person.) Other person variables considered are how sensitive the person is when criticized, is the person to be criticized currently in an angry or sad mood, is the criticism likely to be perceived as particularly difficult to bear, versus something likely to be viewed as a relatively minor matter, and if the criticizer’s relationship with the person to be criticized is less than ideal. Depending on such variables, consideration is given to waiting until the person is in a pleasant mood and enlisting someone else to provide the criticism such as a more neutral person, a friend, or someone who is admired by the person who will be criticized. When the person to be criticized is particularly sensitive about an issue, a fictionalized story with a character who displays the offending behavior may be presented, and then the character’s behavior is discussed.
- Situation characteristics that are considered: Are there other people around that will lead to face saving behavior coming into play? Is there enough time set aside to process the criticism? Has the person who is to provide the criticism been providing too much negative criticism in too short a period of time? (In this case, consideration is given to waiting until some time goes by in which some positive things are said over the course of several days before hitting the person to be criticized over the head yet again!)
A good way to become familiar with the five levels is to cut out comics from the paper that illustrate someone providing criticism to someone else. Then, from time to time compare the descriptions of the five levels to how the character in the comic provided the criticism and then see if you can choose which level best matches the criticism style. For example, in the Peanuts comic that I used above to illustrate a level five response, with Lucy deciding to give Charlie some time to calm down, I actually altered the last panel in the comic for educational purposes. The real comic, in its entirety appears below.
In this comic, if you will, compare Lucy’s criticism to each of the five levels and see if you can choose which level is the best match. In coming weeks, we’ll be practicing these types of skills in a variety of fun ways.
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.